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Sometimes in the serene embrace of evening's quiet
I wonder if you think about me...
is it possible that in syncopated reciprocation
we linger in each other's afterthoughts
fleeting moments of potential bliss met with a twist
of reality's jovial and uncaring truth.
is it possible that of all the people in all the world
out of the many men that inhabit places near and far from you
that you consider how my day went?
the truth is, as I sit at this computer
I am battling with my wits with the image of you
reconciling conflicting perceptions of your being
and when my mind is done playing tricks with me,
my heart considers the possibility of things to be
I'm not hungry for the stuff of imagination
infatuation isn't a delectably enticing dish
yet, I seem to cherish it like it was finger lickin' good.
what would it look like if I asked you how you were doing?
could it possibly make me look like I'm desperate for you?
I'm not.
does it seem like I'm a lonely soul looking for anything?
I'm not.
I'm consistently content with the way that things are?
doesn't seem like it | | |
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mood:  content music: Wheatus *Teenage Dirtbag*
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I remember one sunday afternoon. I was going
to woodland with my friend peggy, and we were randomly talking about
music and how some songs get strong emotional ties with us. She was
telling me about how she would hear certain songs and it would really
tell a story for her. It would remind her of a certain person or a
place in time, and it would either be a good association, and she'd
like the song, or it would be a bad association and she'd hate to hear
the song; mostly because she didn't like the association(s) that came
with it. and I remember that I asked her why she couldn't just give a
different association to such things.
I
started thinking about this stuff this morning while I was getting
ready for work. There was a song stuck in my head: "Everything You
Want" by Vertical Horizon. It was one of those songs that I used to
listen to, and it would kinda appease the feelings in me at the time.
There was a point in which I was really just discouraged by the whole
pursuit of relationships. I basically felt like there would be a girl
that I would have interest in, and she would never really know (I know
I was a pansy), but I would give a bit of some hints to or something
like that. It just seemed like they wouldn't notice that I was alive,
although at the same time, it seemed like they would meet someone who
had very similar qualities to me, and it would kinda make me mad. So I
would listen to this song, and it would kinda get out everything that
I'd be thinking. I guess it was more of a cathartic thing. I didn't
have to actually say the words, but I could listen to the song and I
would eventually feel better about things. The words of the song (the
hook) went like this:
he's everything you want
he's everything you need,
he's everything inside of you that you wish you could be,
he says all the right things
at exactly the right times,
but he means nothing to you,
and you don't know why...
eventually it turns into:
I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you,
that you wish you could be,
I say all the right things
at exactly the right times
but I mean nothing to you
and I don't know why...
So
I would get all sad and listen to this song and also "Teenage Dirtbag"
by Wheatus. I'd get all teary and I'd put them on, and it would remind
me I guess that I wasn't really alone in thinking like that. It never
really cheered me up or anything, but I remember just the emotion that
I would feel when I listened to those songs.
Another song that I would listen to is "Blurry" by Puddle of Mudd.
everything's so blurry,
and everyone's so fake
and everbody's empty
and everything is so messed up
preoccupied without you,
I cannot live at all
my whole world surrounds you
I stumble and I crawl.
you can be my someone
you can be my scene
you know that I'll protect you
from all of the obscene
I wonder what you're doing
imagine where you are,
there's oceans inbetween us
but that's not very far...
can you take it all away
can you take it all away
when you shoved it in my face
explain your game to me
can you take it all away
can you take it all away
when you shoved it in my face
explain your game to me
This
song would always be playing when I got depressed. A lot of the time, I
would feel like I was just kinda drifting through life. I didn't have a
lot of emotion I felt like, or direction. The world would be a place
that was kinda sucky to be in. I would always remember that I was
waiting to wake up or something like that. I always felt like I was
just kinda asleep and needed something awesome to happen for me to
finally just wake up and join the real world again. This was one of
those songs that I feel like, captured where my head was at the time.
Sometimes I would sing this song out of just anger and rage. Sometimes
I would sing it kinda as a worship song to God. Sometimes I would sing
it as a way of asking for deliverance. I was looking for something to
take the pain away, or to bring the life back. I didn't want to be
floating really without thought or feeling. It's not a comfortable
place.
The reason I was thinking about these songs, was
because I realized how much God has worked on me and in my heart over
time. I saw that the emotional attachment that I was tying to these
songs and to these words could be given up to God. Once I started
thinking about that, it became easier to do. Just to think about the
fact that I didn't have to shoulder and live with all of this stuff,
but that He was there to care for me and to love me, and it was Him
that gave me purpose in life. I look back and I really liked these
songs, but they were really substitutes for prayer, and just allowed me
to be in states of depression or anger. I can listen to these songs and
not feel those things anymore. I just feel like I've been delivered
from that stuff. I don't feel numb to life anymore. I feel like I'm
actually living and doing something with it. I might not always like
the things that I'm doing, but at least I'm doing something. I FEEL! I
don't have to put my stock in another person, becuase God has it all.
He's going to sustain me and make sure that I make it through all kinds
of random tests and trials that come up. It's really reassuring to know
that. I love that He gives me that. There's no other way that I would
get it.
I'm out... | | |
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mood:  tired music: Talib Kweli feat. Will.I.Am *Hot Thing*
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So this whole promotion thing at work has
kinda happened, and i've been really unimpressed by my new position. I
think if I could more accurately describe it, I have really disliked
it. I was thinking that it was maybe one of the worst things that has
happened to me. Working at a place where I no longer liked what I was
doing was looking like it was enough to make me want to leave.
So,
for this new position (customer service specialist) I had to go to a
meeting. This meeting lasted for 4 hours, and I wasn't looking forward
to it, but I think that for the state of my well being, it was the best
thing that could've happened to me. It was really an eye opening
experience for me. I guess that a lot of the problem that I had with
the job was that I felt like I was really overwhelmed. I felt like
there were a lot of things that I just didn't know, and that this lack
of knowledge about my resources and such made me sad about the work.
However, the meeting really I think gave some definition to me, perhaps
it was the definition that I was needing to have! I feel so much better
about things, and I think that I can totally own this thing!
Pressing on for a really interesting and great year!
I'm out... |
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mood: happy music: Kanye West *The Glory*
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So tonight was the welcome barbeque for Intervarsity, and I thought it was a great start off to the year.
I think it's really funny how things work.
As
I approached the bbq area, I felt myself get hit by a huge wave of
shyness. I was thinking of the possibilities of being shunned from some
conversations. I was thinking about trying to reach out to someone new,
and being looked over. I basically was having my usual anxieties about
things. I have no real idea why I get like that when it comes to public
situations, but I was just not expecting the best from myself or from
the experience. I was thinking that I'd just be bouncing around from
place to place looking for somewhere to get myself settled into.
Basically,
it was quite the opposite. Once I got there, I was able to just jump
out of my shell, and really put myself out there to meet people. I was
even able to help some people who wouldn't have been able to start a
convo with people get to do just that. It was pretty cool. Times like
tonight make me think back to the first times that I was coming to IV.
It was so shocking to see so many people in one place at a time. I was
just looking for someone to talk to for some kind of extended period of
time. I thought that I would really be lucky to be able to hold a
conversation with someone.
I love how far God has brought me.
I used to pray for boldness when I would find myself in social
situations. I thought that I would be content to just sit somewhere in
the back and let the events of the evening pass me by until I get by.
Sometimes I make up these lil scenarios in my head, of potential
outcomes. I love that God meets me in these places and has really
brought me through to a level of socialness that would've astounded me
if I was in the same place 4 years ago. It's craziness.
On another unrelated note, my current lack of funds has caused me to do something crazy!!!
I've
been in need of a haircut for about a few weeks now, but I didn't have
any cash to do so. On Sunday night, I decided that I couldn't deal with
it anymore (Even though people would've said that my hair looked fine).
I made the bold, and potentially silly choice to act on an idea that
had slowly been boring itself into my head. Why not do it yourself?! I
pondered for a while as I was at the villanova house. When I got home,
I grabbed my facial clippers and I tested some parts of my head. I saw
that things were coming out ok, and then it began! It was like I
declared war on my very own hair follicles. It took forever, since the
clippers were made to be just shaving/shaping facial hair. I was able
to get my haircut out of those little clippers though. I thought that
it was a very bold statement, I would like to be able to cut my own
hair (especially in situations like this) it would save me about 28-30
dollars a month. It was a long battle, but in the end I emerged
victorious, and my hair was rendered defenseless and lifeless, fallen on the floor.
I should do this more often!
aighty,
I'm out... | | |
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It's the best time of year here in Davis. Time to welcome those who will awkwardly stroll the streets of the city, dodging bikes and causing bike accidents for no reasons. Time to meet your next 3-5 years freshies... WeLcOmE tO dAvIs!!!
The bike capital of the world (who really cares about such things?).
The place where cow smells can roam uninhibited
This place (after 6 plus years) is kinda resembling home... :(
Although! I'm really excited about this year. I think it's gonna be a great year for everyone here in davis.
I spent this past weekend helping freshmen to move into their dorms. It's really a fun thing to do. I thought I wouldn't be doing it this year, but I couldn't stay away. I guess I got excited to go out and help people with their first college experiences. I know that a lot of them won't even remember the guy who helped them move into their dorms the first day, but I think I take a bit of pleasure in seeing people who I've helped out in the past, wishing that they are having a great time so far in college, wherever they are in their careers.
I got the privilege of seeing the great Katherine Ng perform her poetry. It was great! I think that she was definitely the most charismatic that I've ever seen her (which is really saying something, as she's freakin' cool otherwise). I was really inspired as I sat and watched her do her thing. It was awesome to see someone share things that are that personal with their friends (and complete strangers).
perhaps, I'll write something sometime.
welp, the welcome bbq is tomorrow @ big people's park (if you live in davis, you should come by.) Here's to the start of the year.
I just took a look @ the iv website, I must say that it looks awesome (angela is very talented :)) Check it out and find out something about Intervarsity on the UCD Campus.
Here's to the rest of the year
I'm out...
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